A hard choice
by Is-Is-Not
Summary: Just my take on the last conversation between Sakumo and Kakashi. Writing isn't very good - read only for a new take, if you want one, on why a man as brave as Sakumo would have been pushed to suicide. Originally intended as a longer series, it is now a one shot.


Summary of the Story: Kakashi centric one shots – my own take on the Naruto-verse and certain episodes either explored in greater detail or told differently or both.

Summary of Chapter 1: The last interaction between Sakumo and Kakashi – my take on Sakumo's emotional state before committing suicide and the reasons for doing it.

PS: The best that I have read to inspire me for this particular chapter is Round & Round [link: s/3467562/1/Round-Round], a story about Kakashi and Bimbomushi. Its really beautiful.

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Sakumo's Departure**

"Father – tea", Kakashi said, holding out the white china cup to Sakumo. Sakumo took it from Kakashi with a small smile. "Come sit with me Kakashi – you have done well today."

Kakashi joined his father where he was sitting in their backyard, on a raised wooden platform at the edge of a small pond. Sakumo's feet were skimming the water but Kakashi's were too short to reach – they dangled above the pond, sore and tired after the day's training. They sat like that for a while in silence looking at the setting sun and their fields. There was a light breeze and the golden wheat rippled under its gentle caress. Off towards the south the horizon was turning dark gray even as in front of them the setting sun cast a pinkish orange glow on the cotton clouds scattered in the sky. Sakumo surveyed the crop and was lost in his thoughts. Kakashi just felt peaceful sitting there. Today had been a good day even if the training with his father had been tough.

Sakumo's failed mission had taken place three months before. In the aftermath he had been withdrawn and stressed. Lately it had turned to depression. Kakashi believed that it was the first time in three months that his father had asked for tea. Sakumo's appetite had suffered and so had his physical condition. He looked but a shadow of his former self - old, weary and even haggard to a point. His eyes always looked as if he hadn't slept properly and his skin had lost its glow. Kakashi was a perceptive child and had noticed the changes in his father's appearance, not to mention the whispers and the taunts that had followed him. His father hadn't spoken to him much on the subject but Kakashi knew most of what was happening – the social and professional ostracism he was putting up with, how even those whom he had saved had turned on him, how the village had laid the entire blame of the continued war on Sakumo's shoulders – all that and more. If anything, today had seemed to him a hopeful exception, the possible beginning of a recovery.

"Well Kakashi", Sakumo said suddenly, interrupting Kakashi's thoughts, "what plans do you have for the future"? If Kakashi found the question odd, he didn't show it. Instead he thought about it seriously and then said very simply "I plan on becoming a great shinobi like you". His father chuckled in response. "That's a tall order Kakashi – great shinobi aren't built only by jutsus – there are ideals that go into the mix, you know? Beliefs and ambition and dreams! The genius of jutsus is dwarfed by the grandeur of our ideals that we fight to defend", he said smiling, wisdom, pride and pain showing upon his countenance. Kakashi looked a bit put out by this. He hadn't thought of any grand ideals to defend – to him his father meant a world and the Leaf village meant home. If he had to fight to defend his home, he would do it. That summed up the Shinobi profession for him. The better and longer he fought the greater he would be. What more by way of ideals could he require? He thought but could not come up with an answer.

Sakumo watched Kakashi as the boy pondered on his words. There were things he needed to explain tonight and he waited for Kakashi to exhaust his own faculties first while he sipped the last of his tea. When Kakashi turned to him finally, Sakumo emptied his cup and carefully set it down and spoke again – "You see Kakashi, all of us are born a certain way. We hold certain things dear and throughout our life we fight to defend the value of those things. Some of us are born with the love of money – and trade is then our only life. The collection of wealth, the purchase of luxuries and the expansion of business become primary objectives. Likewise you would meet some who hold power above all else – to secure the command of many men and many resources is their only objective. There are those on whom a certain other ideals lay their claim – love, peace, knowledge, patriotism etc and they go through their lives seeking to proclaim the greatness of their ideal. Now I do not say you can develop any such ideal – in time and through the trials of life you will find your own identity and thereby the ideals that you hold dear. But unless it be the further advancement of those ideals, your life will appear purposeless to you. You see, one day is no different from the other unless you do something different. Do you understand me"? Kakashi did not immediately respond. He was trying hard to understand it because he somehow felt that this was of great significance. Slowly he nodded after having internalized some of the meaning of his father's words. He was disturbed by the fact that he had none of his own ideals yet to defend but then took solace in the fact that his father was not bothered by it as he did say that he would find them later in life. However the conversation did stir in him the feeling that he probably understood why his father had deliberately failed his last mission. He decided to test his theory.

"What are your ideals, father", he asked? Sakumo nodded appreciatively before turning his head to look at the Sun which was now almost gone below the horizon. Slowly he spoke, "I believe Kakashi that life is a beautiful gift. The beauty of the gift lies in the fact that we bond with all those around us. Friends, family, comrades and even the enemies we encounter on the battlefield. That we fight to live is understandable, but if we live to fight, that to me is deplorable; the gift, in my opinion, is then wasted. My ideal is that we must constantly strive to make life beautiful, to make friends, to make happy memories, to help people in their time of need, to learn new things, to explore and so on." The sun had gone down and twilight was now fast turning to the night. More and more stars were beginning to twinkle and the soft blush of the sky was beginning to fade. Towards his left Kakashi could see a storm coming. Lightning leapt in the sky briefly exposing the gargantuan size of the cumulonimbus clouds accumulating on the southern horizon. The silence between the father and son grew and both were content with their thoughts. Kakashi felt that his father had great ideals in life and he couldn't help but love him all the more for it. And yet he wasn't sure how his father would handle the storm surrounding him – betrayal by friends, friends who owed their life to him no less! It was no small injury. He was afraid to ask but he needed to know and so he finally asked the question "Father, about this situation, your troubles with the village, what will you do about them"?

Sakumo was silent for a moment. He didn't know how much Kakashi could guess of his mind and the fear that Kakashi might have guessed all, even perhaps accepted all, pierced through his heart. His throat constricted painfully and his breathing hitched. Yet his eyes would not leave his son's. So young, so innocent, so loving! It was a sin, what he was going to commit only because of the pain he was going to cause them on account of it. Finally he regained control over the emotions raging in his heart and turned away. When he trusted his voice to not quiver he spoke again, slower than before "Well Kakashi I am fighting for my ideals here. My troubles with the village, well, it is a case when people under distress have attacked something good, something sacred, not fully understanding what they are making a scapegoat of. They cannot fully appreciate the choice I was faced with and find it easier to imagine that they would have surely chosen otherwise. I assume you are familiar with what I am referring to – ", Kakashi nodded, "yes, good. So well, they think that to let one's teammates die, as a team leader no less, is preferable to failing the mission. Unfortunate are those who are faced with such a choice – for I am certain now, after seeing the village's reaction that whichever choice you make, the outcome is painful". He heaved a great sigh, tired and resigned. Kakashi was slowly beginning to understand, for the first time the variety of emotions Sakumo must have gone through when making that choice – love, friendship, moral responsibility, conflict with personal beliefs. It surely must have been a tough choice to make.

Sakumo continued "Well now my troubles with the village, they have become more of a battle between the village's misplaced heroism and my own beliefs. In the immediate aftermath I was suspended from active service but now they have asked me to give an undertaking that I _regret my actions to save my teammates and deliberately fail my mission and that such a thing would never happen again_ and following this they would decide on my new roles and responsibilities. Most likely, I would be demoted and no longer be a Jounin and be taken off field duty for a considerable length of time. Obviously, and I am sure you can understand now, that I would never accept that what I did was wrong and the 'punishment'", he spoke the word with great distaste," they have for me I will not be able to tolerate", he finished speaking.

Kakashi looked at his father and then he looked away. The storm was making its way towards Konoha. The low rumble of thunder could be heard in the distance and the wind had picked up bringing with it the glorious smell of damp earth – petrichor it was called, he had recently learnt. However even the rain and the lightning, which never failed to hold his attention, were right now making no impression on him. The predicament his father was in seemed to him extremely unfair and he couldn't help but feel a wave of anger and resentment wash over him. Was one mistake enough to dishonor a lifetime of service? What if his father had actually abandoned those teammates? Would he then not have suffered sleepless nights for betraying them and causing their death? Did the village not value her people at all? The storm in his mind raged even as the storm outside neared. Both Sakumo and Kakashi were silent for some time. Finally Sakumo spoke again, "Kakashi, rest your mind. These things incite more emotion and often suppress rationality. It is not a fight that passions will win and I am sorry that you are so closely associated with it. I want you to know that I am proud of you. You are a genin already and will soon be assigned your Jounin sensei. I have managed to work it out with an extremely talented young man. Be respectful to him for I sense in him a very pure soul. Even though they say that he is something of a genius I could not discern any haughtiness. He was polite to me and was willing to teach you, unlike many others that refused. Remember teachers are held in higher respect than even parents and you must reciprocate his tuition with obedience and diligence. I am sure you will do your best. Also, tomorrow onwards you will inherit my tanto, I shall have little need of it beyond this night. I think that you should also be authorized to enter my study. The scrolls on family jutsus are all kept there and you are free to study them – I think you have proved your worth and there is no need to deny you that privilege any further. But remember to temper your eagerness with caution when I am gone for greatness is reached by persistence and consistency and the ability to understand one's limits." Kakashi pored over Sakumo's words – the full significance of them had yet not struck him for he assumed that his father had some plan to fend off the people who wanted to punish him and when he had said 'when I am gone' he had only meant to say when he was gone on missions or the like – that this was perhaps the last sermon his father would give him he would not understand until next morning and not accept until much later even.

Sakumo couldn't help but feel love and sorrow. His son, he had no words to express, but his son was a very special boy. He accepted that all children were special to their parents and drew no pleasure in comparing the superiority of his child's gifts with any other child. He simply felt love, boundless love for his son – the quiet, honest, respectful, loving young kid that would have to go through immeasurable hardships and he hoped that Kakashi would be able to forgive him for it.

A rushing sound, of the rain nearing them, came and soon the first of the raindrops landed on the pond with a plopping sound and Sakumo stood up. Kakashi followed suit and picked up the empty cup. They both walked inside and Kakashi sat in the kitchen after placing the cup in the sink, while Sakumo busied himself with cooking, all the while talking and telling Kakashi about the art of cooking good food, the proper way to handle the cutting knife, how to stew, the mix of spices, the importance of aroma and what not. Kakashi just listened. His father was the greatest being anywhere and everything he said was profound, everything he did was great. The world might have felt he was in Sakumo's shadow but to him, he was only illuminated by the brightest sun to incarnate in human form. There was no limit to his love for his father. As long as he had him, he could face anything.

* * *

Sakumo had committed suicide that night and Kakashi had discovered him during the night itself, although after he had passed away. In the aftermath, he had been greatly strained, for the collapse of a great love leaves an equally great void and Kakashi had felt his entire being implode from within. It had been hard to find anything to hold on to and inside Kakashi had felt numb and just sat there. A chunin had been sent to summon Sakumo Hatake to the Hokage's office. After receiving no response at the door he had gone back and later an ANBU had been sent. The ANBU had entered the house when he too had stood ignored at the door for some time and discovered the truth. Soon the Hokage, the Jounin Commander and some of the members of the council had reached there. Sakumo had addressed a last letter to the Hokage and the village explaining that he did not agree to apologize for his actions and seeing that death or dishonor were his only choices he had chosen his way of going and expressed the hope that one day the village would be able to better understand his actions. Meanwhile a team of medics had also come down and after briefly examining both Sakumo and Kakashi and recording the necessary information, the Hokage had ordered the funerary rites of Sakumo Hatake to be performed.

The funeral was, as per the Hatake custom, a cremation and the ashes were immersed in the Naka river. Kakashi had to carry out these rites and he had stumbled through them, trancelike, fully understanding what it meant for him but finding it too difficult to come to terms with it. When all was over, Kakashi had gone back to his home. The medics and few of the helpers had cleaned the study and sterilized it. Kakashi had lit up the incense sticks as advised by the priest and then quietly made his way to the living room and had finally succumbed to the grief and the pain and lain down. The crushing weight of grief and loneliness had hit him and he had fallen asleep thinking that he would never be caught that way.


End file.
